It Follows (2014)

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It Follows – Review/Rant

SYNOPSIS:

“A young woman is followed by an unknown supernatural force after a sexual encounter. Despite this…nothing actually fucking happens.”
RANT:
David Robert Mitchell. Remember that name, people, so that you may never see another one of this man’s films.
I should stop right there and leave while I still can, but no. I have invested almost 2 hours of my life into this shit, so you can certainly read my rant for 10 minutes or so.
To start off, this film (before it’s release) was over-hyped (mainly by the US), trailers for the shit went viral, and I admit – I was intrigued.
Then it was released, and Youtube videos surfaced of people reviewing the damn thing after seeing it, stating that it was “truly frightening”, “the scariest film they’ve ever seen, etc.
Okay… “Let’s see this motherfucker, and see what all the fuss is about, David Robert Mitchell”.
To begin, David comes from a comedy/romance film background.His only other feature directed is “The Myth of the American Sleepover“. I confess, I have never seen it, but after seeing this film, I never want to.
Basically, this film follows Jay (played incredibly fucking badly by Maika Monroe), who decides (for whatever reason) to have sex with a local boy. However, after fucking this guy, Jay starts to feel “followed”, lots of loud noises happen, she runs around from place to place with her eyes bulging out of her skull like she’s just seen a fucking ghost (which we actually barely get to see, ourselves), and then that’s it. END.
Basically this film is about a group of “teens” (ie: people who are actually in their mid-late 20’s playing teenagers, once again – THANKS AMERICA!), trying to “run away” from a curse which is caused when someone fucks someone… yes, you got it – The “sex curse”.
What an original idea. Does David Robert Mitchell come from the same fucking school of amateur American film-making that M. Night Shyamalan was spawned from? Shit, I hope not… All we need is another “revolutionary horror film director from America who truly knows how to scare us – by not showing us anything at all, by teasing us and then ending it all before it is given, by charging us money to see something which is promised but never fucking given…”
I will go out on a limb here and say that David Robert Mitchell of course wanted to cash in on the whole “horror” thing, but he thought a way to do this was possibly by people fucking, everyone wants to see that, right? but he must have been thinking “people fucking, that’s just porn, how do I get a horror element in there? I know, I’ll just add a curse into it, every time the people fuck, it will curse them!”
Oh yes, David, you’re so fucking talented, with the mind of a pure revolutionary horror film director to have come up with something so original here! I know for a fact that all your future films will most likely be made with the pretense of trying to “outdo” this one, and it won’t be hard for you, really David, because this was an utter fucking pile of steaming dogshit.
RATING:
0.01 out of 10 – One of the worst “recent” horror films in the last 10 years. AVOID this mess!

The Amityville Playhouse (2015)

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SYNOPSIS:

“Following the tragic death of her parents Fawn Harriman discovers she has inherited a theater in the town of Amityville. She, along with 3 friends, decides to spend the weekend there looking the place over. Meanwhile one of her High School teachers begins an investigation into the village’s past and makes a connection with something that goes back beyond recorded history.”

REVIEW:

Lets us be honest here – the only decent Amityville film was the original from 1979, and even that was not a classic horror film in my eyes, it suffered from a badly written script, predictability, and sub-par acting, but at least it tried, right?

Amytiville Playhouse I viewed this morning (hey, I kept the lights out for full effect, and it was very early), but I am regretting it even minutes after.

Let us begin with the negative, because let’s face it…there ain’t nothing positive about this steaming pile of shit.

  1. Production values must have been extremely scarce here.
  2. The acting here (even for a low-budget film) is absolutely unforgivable and cringe-worthy.
  3. The audio for this film is incredibly “hollow” sounding, like it was recorded inside of a rubbish bin (perhaps it was).
  4. Poorly (and I mean very poor) written script which is also unforgiving.

This thing does not get anything right.”lead actress” Monèle LeStrat has never appeared in a film before, not even a TV advert or short film, and it shows. Oh Lord, does it show. She mumbles and fumbles her way through this poorly written script with the best of an amateur’s ability, but is so terribly bad at even doing that – it left me reaching for the stop button less than 20 minutes into this shitfest.

The rest of the so-called “cast” have never been in a motion picture film either, nor an advert or short film, they have no experience, and it (too) shows.

So, who the hell is responsible for this mess?

John R. Walker – an actor turned director, and this is his “feature film debut” to be proud of. It’s an atrocious first attempt. He appears in this film too, so be warned.

Believe me, if you’re a fan of horror like myself, or films in general, spare yourself the pain of this, I made the mistake of sitting through the whole thing and it’s damaged my brain some.

RATING:

0 out of 10 – This is what is referred to as a “stinker” in the business of film.

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Great Actors/Actresses Who Appear in Shit Films

Many actors and actresses seem to nowadays be taking the work they’re offered just for a paycheck and nothing more. I find it hard to believe that the paycheck for some of the horrendous shit that Hollywood has been spewing out recently would even be worth it though.

Here’s a list of brilliant actors and actresses who are now wasted in completed and utter garbage.

(SOME OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS LIST ARE NOW DECEASED, NO DISRESPECT IS MEANT BY THIS LIST)

  1. Robert De niro
  2. Al Pacino
  3. Gary Oldman
  4. Jodie Foster
  5. Cuba Gooding Jr.
  6. Edward Norton
  7. Crispin Glover
  8. Mel Gibson
  9. Winona Ryder
  10. Mickey Rourke
  11. Val Kilmer
  12. Halle Berry
  13. Nicolas Cage
  14. Christopher Walken
  15. River Phoenix
  16. Leonardo DiCaprio
  17. Johnny Depp
  18. Juliette Lewis
  19. Aaron Paul
  20. Nick Stahl
  21. Harvey Keitel
  22. Tom Hardy
  23. Tom Hanks
  24. Philip Seymour Hoffman
  25. Jack Nicholson
  26. Jill Clayburgh
  27. Matthew Barry
  28. Mark Ruffalo

Again, this list in no way complete, and I will continue to add to it, as I watch more shit so that you do not have to waste your time doing so. Interesting to note, there’s a slight pattern in the list – DRAMA/THRILLER to COMEDY. Actors who should never have crossed over, if they did not have the chops to pull it off. (Some actors learned from their mistakes and never did it again, others continued to do it even though they obviously knew and felt deep inside how truly bad it was!).

Hollywood is unforgiving, it chews people up, spits them out, says “fuck you,” and then ropes in the next “new thing”. When he/she looses their looks, regardless of acting abilities, they find it hard to find good work – it’s a sad thing, but there is a solution – stop working in Hollywood!

Plenty of work in independent films exists, and most times they are more hard-hitting than the shit that Hollywood continues to force-feed us.

(For a very good and recent example, take “Spotlightwhich just won best movie of the year at the 2016 Oscars. Now, the film itself deals with a very good subject, and it handles it relatively well. But you can just see Mark Ruffalo – who is usually amazing – just going through the motions for the sake of it. Michael Keaton does the same, but we expect that from him. )

Another very interesting side-note is the transfer from adult to children’s cinema…and not moving from it! (Johnny Depp is quite known for this, as is Tom Hanks), and once again I blame comedy and Hollywood… because America truly feels the need to dumb things down so that “people get it” without forcing an audience to truly think for themselves and appreciate the moment for what it is.