Great Actors/Actresses Who Appear in Shit Films

Many actors and actresses seem to nowadays be taking the work they’re offered just for a paycheck and nothing more. I find it hard to believe that the paycheck for some of the horrendous shit that Hollywood has been spewing out recently would even be worth it though.

Here’s a list of brilliant actors and actresses who are now wasted in completed and utter garbage.

(SOME OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS LIST ARE NOW DECEASED, NO DISRESPECT IS MEANT BY THIS LIST)

  1. Robert De niro
  2. Al Pacino
  3. Gary Oldman
  4. Jodie Foster
  5. Cuba Gooding Jr.
  6. Edward Norton
  7. Crispin Glover
  8. Mel Gibson
  9. Winona Ryder
  10. Mickey Rourke
  11. Val Kilmer
  12. Halle Berry
  13. Nicolas Cage
  14. Christopher Walken
  15. River Phoenix
  16. Leonardo DiCaprio
  17. Johnny Depp
  18. Juliette Lewis
  19. Aaron Paul
  20. Nick Stahl
  21. Harvey Keitel
  22. Tom Hardy
  23. Tom Hanks
  24. Philip Seymour Hoffman
  25. Jack Nicholson
  26. Jill Clayburgh
  27. Matthew Barry
  28. Mark Ruffalo

Again, this list in no way complete, and I will continue to add to it, as I watch more shit so that you do not have to waste your time doing so. Interesting to note, there’s a slight pattern in the list – DRAMA/THRILLER to COMEDY. Actors who should never have crossed over, if they did not have the chops to pull it off. (Some actors learned from their mistakes and never did it again, others continued to do it even though they obviously knew and felt deep inside how truly bad it was!).

Hollywood is unforgiving, it chews people up, spits them out, says “fuck you,” and then ropes in the next “new thing”. When he/she looses their looks, regardless of acting abilities, they find it hard to find good work – it’s a sad thing, but there is a solution – stop working in Hollywood!

Plenty of work in independent films exists, and most times they are more hard-hitting than the shit that Hollywood continues to force-feed us.

(For a very good and recent example, take “Spotlightwhich just won best movie of the year at the 2016 Oscars. Now, the film itself deals with a very good subject, and it handles it relatively well. But you can just see Mark Ruffalo – who is usually amazing – just going through the motions for the sake of it. Michael Keaton does the same, but we expect that from him. )

Another very interesting side-note is the transfer from adult to children’s cinema…and not moving from it! (Johnny Depp is quite known for this, as is Tom Hanks), and once again I blame comedy and Hollywood… because America truly feels the need to dumb things down so that “people get it” without forcing an audience to truly think for themselves and appreciate the moment for what it is.

 

The Woman in Red (1984)

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SYNOPSIS:

On his way to work, Teddy spots Charlotte – an incredibly beautiful Woman in Red. He really wants to meet her – but what would his wife say?”

REVIEW:

Most people who know me would not know that from the time of it’s release in 1984 (I was just eight years old when seeing this at the cinema), that this was (and still is) one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

It is (and still remains) one of the only non-horror films in my top 3 films of all time, and will remain there for as long as I’m alive, I assure you.

There are many reasons for my love of this film,but I am guessing (who the fuck am I kidding – I know!) that the main reason is for it’s star Kelly LeBrock, who was a model before being chosen to play the role in this fantastic movie.

She was my first actress crush as a child, I joined her fan-club and everything, and I never even got a reply back still to this day!

I digress…

The film is charming, adorable in fact, and also stars Gene WIlder in his best film role. He plays Theodore Pierce (Teddy to his friends), and is his usual bumbling, soft-spoken and kind-nature self (some refer to him as a poor-man’s Woody Allen, but I’ve always considered Wilder much more of a talent than Allen, and with less of the bullshit too!).

Well 0ver two decades later, and I still adore Kelly LeBrock, have seen everything she’s been in (even tried writing to her again after Weird Science and Hard to Kill came out), but seriously, this is possibly her best role – she suites it more-so than anything else she’s been cast in (perhaps with the exception of Weird Science – but that’s a whole different review!).

I guess, being a remake of the old French classicĀ Yves Robert film Pardon Mon Affaire, this film had a lot to live up to for film critics (who hated it). I disagree (please trust me on this).

If you need a good laugh, and to see the beautiful LeBrock in her prime, check this one out.

RATING:

10 out of 10 – CLASSIC

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The Visit (2015)

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SYNOPSIS:

Two siblings become increasingly frightened by their grandparents’ disturbing behavior while visiting them on vacation. Nothing Happens.”

REVIEW:

*Deep sigh of frustration…*

OK, it’s over. It’s finally finished. It’s only just finished, and it’s still stained all over my brain cells…

Please, if you’re a fan of M. Night Shyamalan, re-think your decision, or perhaps educate yourself on horror before watching another one of his films.

Whilst writing, and directing this film, I can see what his thought processes were…

“Oh, if I create total darkness, and then use a huge blinding overhead light on an old lady’s face – that’s SCARY!”

“If we film an old lady scratching at a wall – that’s SCARY!”

“If we use heaps abundance of loud bangs and never show what is banging – that’s SCARY!”

“Perhaps if I run around in circles with the camera and drop it several times in the filming process – that will be SCARY? YES!!!”

“An old man shitting into a nappy – that’s SCARY!”

“An old lady making a young girl clean her oven – SCARY!!”

“I will try to be artistic and hip by not using music during my horror masterpiece, that way it will be SCARY!”

“I will write the character of a white beast with yellow eyes which will be talked about in several scenes of my movie, but I will never explain it, nor will I show it – because then it’s SCARY!”

“I will continue to make PG-13 films so that people can take their kids to my movies, but I will still call them “horror” films, that way I will get everyone’s hopes up – even though they’re not really horror, I will trick people into watching these films by encouraging them with the pretense that it’s horror!”

“I like to call my movies “psychological horror”, mainly because I never show anything in my films and that pisses everyone off to the point that they may indeed enter a psychosis afterwards – PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR – SCARY!”

“I have upset a lot of people by misleading them with my films, but I do not care, because I have made lots of $$ from them – that in itself is SCARY!”

“Despite calling myself a psychological horror director, I fail to know how to actually create an atmosphere in a film. I like to try, but I just cannot, because I don’t know how. Because of this, instead I just like to pretend. Pretend that something is going to happen, and then show nothing – because that makes it SCARY!”

I could write a whole book based around this, but it’s pointless to waste my time on that. Truly, do yourselves a fine favor, do not go near this film with a goddamn barge-pole, please don’t be tempted (like I was) by the “tag-lines” and false pretenses that M. Night Shyamalan uses to try and rope people into his films. Avoid anything else he does in the future like the plague. I will be from now on.

I thought that The Devil and The Village and The Lady in the Water were bad, but this thing was on a whole new level of atrocity.

THIS is a director who has actually won the Golden Raspberry for worst director.
I doubt very much if he’s ever seen films by the master’s of his “genre” – Argento, Fulci, Franco, Romero, etc. If he had, he’s taken no inspiration from them and tried to make it his own, he’s just used his deluded way of thinking in order to rope people into his films for the only reason that I come come to – MONEY.

Money does certainly make the world go around, but if you have no passion, no originality, no love – you should not be directing horror.

I’m the first to admit – I watch some pretty “shit” films, films that other people would turn their nose up at and ask what is wrong with me. They have potential though – they come from a place of inspiration, of creativity, and they all have redeeming qualities of some kind. M. Night Shyamalan’s films do not.

AVOID!!

RATING:

0 out of 10.

 

 

 

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

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SYNOPSIS:

“When two bumbling employees at a medical supply warehouse accidentally release a deadly gas into the air, the vapors cause the dead to rise again as zombies.”

REVIEW:

Nobody I know loves The Return of the Living Dead quite as much as I do, I am very sure of this.

I remember sneaking into a cinema which was on the aireforce base with my older brother when I was nine years of age. The “cinema” (if you could call it that) was chock-full with the local punk and whatnot from our little town (I guess this was a fine outing for them, being in a small town there wasn’t much else around!).

We sat at the back, and I enjoyed every second of my 91 minutes of joy which this film brought. It made me laugh (this film essentially is comedy underneath everything else), and I am pleased to say it introduced me to a lot of very cool bands such as Roky Erickson, TSOL, SSQ, The Cramps, The Flesh Eaters, 45 Grave, The Damned, Tall Boys and The Jet Black Berries. (All of whom I still am a fan of and follow closely).

I loved the “zombies” in this film, they are still probably my favorite (along-side Lucio Fulci’s amazing creations, but that’s for another review).

This film never takes itself seriously, and you shouldn’t either, do yourselves a favor and track down this, along with it’s incredible soundtrack (which I owned on cassette back in the day).

 

RATING:

8 OUT OF 10 – I just wish it were longer!!

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The Devil Inside (2012)

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Having previously just seen and reviewed The Boy here (click name to read the review), I thought I’d take some time out to review the director’s previous outing – The Devil Inside from 2012. (He did direct another film – Wer from 2013, but that one is sadly not even worth the review).

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SYNOPSIS:

“In Italy, a woman becomes involved in a series of unauthorized exorcisms during her mission to discover what happened to her mother, who allegedly murdered three people during her own exorcism.”

REVIEW:

This film, being set in Italy, is a little different to the usual American fanfare horror shit being pumped down our throats, but that is probably where the originality ends, sadly for this complete mess of a film.

I enjoy horror films (obviously), and usually Exorcism ones are right up my alley, if they’re done correctly (such as The Exorcist from 1973), but this one does everything wrong. It relies (once again!) on extremely loud noises, horrible flashing lights, twisting torso’s (unnaturally, I might add), and paranormal-activity-esque shitty camera movement/work.

Regardless of the “acting” being quite well done, this cannot save this utter piece of garbage and the horrid taste it leaves in the back of your throat.

I want my 80 minutes back šŸ˜¦

 

RATING:

2 OUT OF 10.

The Boy (2016) Review

This is the post excerpt.

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Being my first review for this blog, The Boy is still fresh in my memory – I only saw it 2 nights ago on Bluray.

SYNOPSIS:

The Boy tells the story of young American woman Greta Evans who is running from an abusive ex-boyfriend and manages (somehow) to end up in the English countryside at some kind of manor, taking on the position of a Nanny for an odd old couple named Mr and Mrs. Heelshire (yes, Heel-Shire).

REVIEW:

The film opens with Great arriving at the Heelshire’s manor, which is a vast and complex looking place (to say the least).

Soon after entering, she is introduced to their “son” Brahms.

Brahms seems even stranger than his “parents”, simply because he is not real, per say. Brahms is a doll – yes – a fucking DOLL. Porcelain – enough said.

Greta is left with strict rules regarding Brahms and looking after him, and the Heelshit…Heelshire’s are then on their merry way (apparently their first holiday away in many years), leaving Greta open-mouthed, alone (seemingly) and dumb to believe that a couple (even as odd as the Heelshire’s) would actually keep a porcelain doll as a son.

Almost immediately, Greta is met with many loud bangs, Brahms being moved on his own, turning up in strange places, doors slamming, etc etc.

(This is the typical American PG-13 horror kind of shit that truly fucks me off about films nowadays, catering for the child masses, making films for the money alone, even though they’d probably make more if they truly knuckled down and released something good rather than something that everyone wants to see!).

It is soon apparent that the film-makers want you to believe that it is indeed Greta’s jealous and twisted ex-boyfriend being the menace in the house (I was personally dreading this possibility and am relieved that it was not the case, it would have made the film even more predictable than it already was).

The film drags somewhat, Greta meets and “makes out” with the local grocery-delivery boy, who is quite annoying (to say the least), the ex-boyfriend turns up, and we soon discover that…

Well, I will not spoil this film, other than to give it a fantastic rating of:

RATING:

3 OUT OF 10

Three for effort, but the director certainly needs to learn one thing – loud bangs and scratching noises are not scare…not in the least. They don’t make me jump, nor do they serve as a “creation of tension” – they’re cliche and predictable.